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THE 

CANDIDATING FAIR: 

7 ■ 

A 

STUDENT'S DREAM 

OP 

TEIAL PREACHING. 



"Perhaps it may turn out a sang; 
Perhaps turn out a sermon." — Burns. 



PUBLISHED AT ANDOVER, MASS. 
: HK 



MDCCCLXXIII. 






Entered according to Act of Congress in th. , 

v^ougrebs, m the year 1873, hv 
A- J. CHITTENDEN, 

at 'Washington. 



In the Office of the Librarian of Congrels, 



ANDOVBK : 



Address, 

W\ F. DBAPEB, 

Andorer, Mass. 

Price, 35 cents. 



THE 



Candidating Fair. 



PART I. 

Whether awake, or whether I dreamed ; 
Whether 't was real, or only seemed ; 
Whether the place was earth or — well. 
I promised myself I never would tell. 

There was a city of churches, all — 
Nothing but churches, large and small. 
Streets of churches in line and square, 
Churches on avenues broad and fair, 
Lanes of churches, and alleys too — 
On every spot of the city through 
Was either a church or chapel floor ; 
No worshipping host could ask for more. 

There was the front of awful mien. 
That rose like the brow of Sinai, seen 



4 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

Under the turret flames of wrath, 
That terror flashed on the desert path. 
And shook the earth, and shook the sky. 
While trembling hosts did prostrate lie. 
So chilled my soul in awful dread, 
As the grand cathedral raised its head. 
And flashed to heaven from gilded spire 
A glory so sublime and dire, 
That every lesser dome from thence 
Did vie in stooping reverence. 

Not all, indeed, for quite in view 
Of this magnificence, there grew 
Unto my vision shapes all ripe 
With full pretence of every type 
Once sacred, — from Egyptian old, 
Byzantine, Saracenic bold. 
To Grecian arch and architrave, 
Basilic dome and Gothic nave. 
And these would naught of deference. 
But vowed the strutting consequence 
Of full success, and levied claim 
On lesser shrines to grant the same 
Hio:h worthiness. 



THE CANDID ATTN G FAIR. 

And thencG, removed 
One circle outward, as behooved, 
The church in which old Noah sat, 
Imported straight from Ararat, 
Arose and spread, and covered quite 
The space of a small village site. 

Three hundred cubits, I could say, 
Would scarce exceed the longer way. 
Full fifty was the breadth thereof, 
And thirty was the height thereof. 
A door was in the side withal, 
And from the roof a chimney tall 
Stood up against the wond'ring sky, 
As proud as any steeple high, 
And served a double use. 

At best, 
These were a score or two. The rest 
Were all as modest, some more fair, 
With a social tone and a freer air, 
With something still of a worthy grace. 
With turret or dome to mark the place 
And share witli the sisterliood of Art, 
In holiest use, some pleasing part. 



6 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

'Twere long to speak of chapels small, 
Of lecture-room and bethel hall, 
Of temples pretty and temples plain, 
That walled the street and walled the lane, 
And built the corners everywhere 
That turned a court or alley there. 

So much my eye had quickly caught ; 
But, ere it could be shaped in thought, 
My wonder rose to such a height 
To learn 'the wherefore of the sight. 
Or what unwonted cause compels 
The wrangling of so many bells, 
That Pilgrim in the holy race 
Did ne'er ascend at such a pace 
As I descended. 

And, good chance, 
As either side I spared a glance, 
Two ways had met, and at my side 
A fellow traveller I espied. 

" Pray tell me, sir," thus I to him, 
" Is this the New Jerusalem 
Of latter saints, built up so quick 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 7 

By prophets in arithmetic — 

A place of holy watch and prayer 

Until the coming ? Pray declare." 

And he to me, with curious look, 
That showed my query half mistook: 
"Indeed, good sir, 'twere on my lip 
To give your joke a playful nip ; 
But, serious, if such you are, 
I'm sure you must have journey'd far ; 
'Twere else amazing ignorance 
To be confessed, if you perchance 
Have nothing heard of the Churches' Fair." 

"And what, pray tell, is the Churches' Fair ? " 

"Indeed, the Grand Triennial — 
The vacant church triennial ; 
Or, if it please, and suits your air, 
It is the Candidating Fair." 

" Oho ! I hear ; I have the word, 
And will concede 1 had not heard 
Of such convenience. But I see 
What seems a strange economy 
For such a use, at such expense — 
Not very wise munificence." 



8 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

"Most ecomomic, — pardon, sir; 
111 this all judgments quite concur. 
No artist or mechanic show 
Could ever boast the vantage so 
For annual and full display, 
For all exchange and market-day. 
No party, ball, or merry-make 
Did ever serve so well for sake 
Of suiting, matching, marrying, 
As doth subserve this very thing. 
For since this new establishment, 
This grand triennial consent 
Of show and barter, I could tell 
Of many a suiting carried well, 
Of happy calls unanimous, 
With neither fore nor after fuss ; 
Of many a sunny pastorate. 
And many a settlement of late 
Full three years running, good and straight.'''' 

At this my lesser wisdom bowed ; 
And, musing to myself aloud 
If I were dupe or he were true, 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 9 

My friend, indignant, soon withdrew 
To some more credulous. 

For then 
The way was full : and they were men 
Of such familiar cloth and mien 
As those in schools of the prophets seen ; 
And prophecy of rain withal 
They carried with a satchel small — 
They carried with a ' beaver ' tall. 

The city had one thoroughfare, 
One crowded entrance-way ; and there 
Great blazing signs all eyes engage : 

" Supply," " Exchange," '' Wants," " Brokerage," 
" First Office of Intelligence, 
With Special Favors to Dispense " ; 
" Enquiries Confidential " ; 
" Old References Complete and Full " ; 
"Student Committee Quarters Here"; 
" Trial Committee for One Year " ; 
" Here Consolation Furnished Free 
To Failing Suitors." 



10 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

But to me, — 
Quite scorning such official care, 
Nor yet in need of such repair, — 
More curious than aught before 
Was that which hung on each church door. 
For plain upon each door was hung. 
With letters such as oft are flung 
Unto the breeze political, 
lA sign, immense, reversible, 
As one may read on office card, — 
'■^Baiih shut" '■'-Bank open": so the board 
Did make each door conspicuous 
To frighten or invite. 

For thus, 
On one side, — which side most had need 
Face outward, — I could, running, read: 
'•^Church now in session. Please await 
The trial of this Candidate.'''' 

But "Please await" did ill address 
The temper of my purposes ; 
And ere I could reduce to sense 
The pond'rous waves of eloquence 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. \\ 

That roared and poured their pciit-up rage, 

As wild Numidiaii in cage 

Will shake the tent and rend the air, 

And hold in transcendental scare 

A choir of babies, I had fled, 

As drift upon tlie wave is sped 

When bursts the dam ; and many a rood 

I drifted on increasing flood 

From many a foaming orator, 

By many a full placarded door, 

On which I either read or guessed — 

"/m session.'' ' 

But the crowd that pressed 
Fast forward or retreating, each — 
As surf ambitious climbs the beach, 
And baffled, hastes again to hide 
Its head in the pursuing tide — 
Now thinner grew, afid wasted more, 
And wasted all, as just before, 
One sign reversed I saw; — nor cared 
What proud magnificence was reared 
Above it; such was my intent 



12 THE CANDTDATING FAIR. 

To gain precedence, and prevent 
Some call less manifest, — and read, 
With changing breath of hope and dread : 
"Wanted: — A Pastor, young and smart, 

Wise of head and strong of heart. 

He must be staunchly orthodox, 

Well reputed of all his flocks : 

He must be grave and genial too, 

Ready in word and ready to do. 

He must be perfect — without a flaw 

In pulpit power, and able to draw, 

Able to hold and make secure 

Our rank and our investiture. 

Independent without olfense ; 

Brave in the truth (at his own expense) ; 

Largely furnished in every way, 

Conservative, also up with the day. 

He should be married " — What's that ? whew ! 

" ' He should be married ' a year or two. 

They should be mated, a model pair, 

Wife sober, discret, and middling fair; 

A pattern for all in her piety, 

A model of all propriety, 

A leader of best society. 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 13 

At home an angel, abroad a saint, 
Whose heart shall never tire nor faint 
With half the burdens pastoral 
And all the concerns of home as well. 
These virtues, and such of a kindred kind 
As will ready occur to a prudent mind — 
If they shall appear, by the full consent 
Of Church and Society ; please present." 

And I presented, — not until 
One further reading of the Bill 
And such momentous questionings 
As well comport with sacred things. 

"He should be married"; not. he must; 
And for the "should be" I could trust 
The. weight of other qualities . 
To compensate the lack in this. 

Now deference would scarce relate 
What honesty would iiave me state — 
How on the footing of the Bill, 
So moderate in claims and, still, 
Some perilous, I did ])erceive, 
And as I read did more believe 



14 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

Proof full and final of a Call 

So loud and clear that, over all 

My modesty and self-distrust, 

I yielded to an imperious must. 

5ior — ^^ Fifteen Thousand, More or Less, 

For Salary'''' — I would confess 

Was — was plain for any man to see. 

Then said I : " Here am I, send me, 

Lord ! " And me I sent. 

Not quite 
Within the inner door, in sight 
Of all at entrance, one I took 
For clerk of sessions, with a book 
Full ample, stood and blocked the way 
With such official look, dismay 
Had turned me half, till I were sure 
If that were not some fatal door. 
And he a Cerberus to bay 
In guard of some infernal way. 
And deeper still I sank in dread 
When 'bove the entrance I misread — 
"No opening part nor closing prayer." — 
" All liope depart on entering here ! " 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 15 

I bowed, and he bow-wowed — "Your name, 
Credentials." Then my spirit came, 
And from my portfeuillc I drew 
A scrap-book, pasted through and through 
With jiotices of calls, reports • 

Of sermons marvellous, all sorts 
Of local paragraphs ; in prints 
Of widest circulation, hints 
Most honorable, — of places where 
I had performed the opening prayer. 
With such a turn of compliment 
That every flattered soul's consent 
In heartiest ' amen ' gave vent. 

I passed ; but as I passed there fell 
Upon my ear as 't were a knell — 
One whisper hoarse, and nothing more, — 
'■'•Number one hundred and forty-four ^ 

I had reread with a braver heart : 
'■'Omit the opening and closing 2^cirt'\- 
But when to the waiting mass I turned 
And blazed in the focus that on me burned, 
I thought of the executioner 



IQ THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

Who never refused the boon of prayer. 

There were the deacons, all in a row, 
Set in a jury-box just below. 
Solemn and staid were their faces all, 
As if kept from a last year's funeral. 
As well might one ten-pounder ball 
Demolish a granite fortress wall 
As I such adamantine stare 
With siege of rhetoric. 

And there, 
One seat removed, the grand elite, 
Most critical and most complete, 
In nice discriminations barned, 
To note how phrase and gesture turned, 
Sat upright, and a little more. 
And quite outlooked the rank before. 
One other glance, and I had done. 
For sympathy ; but from that one. 
So desperate, there came to mo 
Most serious catastrophe. 
For, just to left — in front of course — 
Of these hard-faced inquisitors. 
An angel seemed to my relief — 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 17 

Propitious fortune, but so brief! 

Those eyes were dark as liquid night; 

Those cheeks were fair as lilies white ; 

Those lips could well outvoice the dove ; 

That forehead I — 'twas the throne of love ; 

Those tresses ! — Well, on either side, 

With look of undissembled pride, 

And cunning strategy of art. 

To make display, in better part, 

Of such rare treasure by contrast 

With relics of their beauty past, 

The ancient pair sat all intent, 

Till mother patience had been spent. 

And Mrs. McKey, with a wheezing twang 

That through the vast cathedral rang, 

Said " Mr. McKey, I told you so, 

He a'nt no married man ; / know." 

But he, all innocent replied — 

"Nor he a'nt no man, / know," 

I tried 
To keep my head above the sea 
That I half had prayed to swallow me ; 
And, if weather be fair when skies arj red 

2 



18 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

And swallows twitter, I could have said 
" Fair day, indeed," as forth I drew 
That trial sermon. 

Yes, as " new ? " 
To them as I could well affect 
To venture .on, with due respect 
Unto myself. It was the same 
Old stand by that had earned a name 
A humble man might well afford 
To die on. All, with one accord. 
Who ever dared to give such sign 
Of friendship, had declared that mine, 
Of all the sermons they had heard 
Was, " whether in manner, tliought, or word, 
Most labored, most elaborate. 
Abstruse, profound, and most ornate ; " 
And the Governor's great granddaughter-in- 

law. 
Who taught school, said •' There wa'nt a flaw 
Or weakness in the whole discourse. 
Or doctrine she did not endorse." 

'T was so familiar too, withal. 
That I could nothino- fear of fall 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. I9 

From any flight. And there were set — 
So soon to prove a sore regret — 
Impromptu passages, full wide, 
Reserved in blank. But lest the tide 
Of eloquence should break the banks. 
And sport some free ecstatic pranks 
Indecorous, there were prepared 
Such words suggestive as I cared 
For sure inflating, and to gauge 
My small balloon with anchorage. 

But oh the fates! or the decrees, — 
Or name it whatsoe'er you please ; — 
For at the sound " All ready," spoke 
By Cerberus the clerk, as stroke 
Of bell at racing starts the steed, 
As spear of Aeolus once freed 
The winds, I read — not Maladd — 
But "Chapter first — of Mss BlcKey ! 
And second verse !^^ 

Deliver me ! — 
I could have fled a thousand miles 
The scorching of a thousand smiles 



20 THE CANDWATING FAIR. 

That might be heard. But I was off — 
Nor much it lacked that I was off ; 
But, luckily, as rider clings, 
Like monkey to his steed of wings 
When at the start the girdle breaks. 
And, holding by the maue, he makes 
His circuit bareback ; so I clung ; 
And on my words all, breathless, hung ; 
Or on my fate. — I could not tell; 
Good manners had revived so well. 
That all were breathless, sure I knew, 
From smiling. But more serious grew 
The court inquisitive, and all 
The company less critical. 
As on I sped, like railway train 
That sudden starts, while men in vain 
Rush for the rear in climbing race, 
To save a hold and riding-place. 
And dragging, fall, less worshipping 
Than cursing. Thus they tried to cling 
Unto my skirts, as forth I sprang 
Into the midst of such harangue 
As first drew on a wondrous stare, 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 21 

And left them next in blank despair 
Of knowing what or wliere I was, 
In all the clond of dust that rose 
'Twixt them and me. 

One leading thought 
Unto full fourteen lines was wrought 
In single sentence, so that all. 
In one climactic rise and fall, 
And single breatli of rhetoric, 
I could discharge so free and quick, 
With such a mingled flash and roar. 
That it had never failed before 
• Of gen'ral shock. 

And this I fired ; 
Then made that pause — so much admired. 
As mightier than the noise. But now 
It was an ' awful pause ' ; for how 
It may have given the weary rest 
I know not ; but remember best 
Seven placid faces, all in a row, 
Set in a jury-box just below. 
Not a move of a lid, not a lip displaced, 
Not a line of feeling or thought was traced ; — 



22 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

Seven busts, patient and motionless, 
Whose secrets no mortal would dare to guess. 
There, too, was the rank of the grand dlite, 
Most critical and most complete, 
True to their watch as a picket-guard, 
Ready to challenge a frightened word ; 
And now that the words had ceased to flow. 
They seemed to challenge the silence too. 
But Mrs. McKey! Her eyes had grown, 
With her mouth, as wide as the gibbous 

moon ; 
And Mr. McKey had a face that might 
Have passed for a pumpkin-moon-shine light. 
And Miss McKey! — with her fan that played 
On the flash of her eyes, like the leaves of 

a shade 
That sport a dance to the darting rays. 
And twinkle the light that among them 

plays ; — 
So flashed the light from the face so fair 
And I knew some ray of hope was there, 
If only the hearts of committee-men 
Were touched with the proof I witnessed then. 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 23 

So much I saw in that moment's time, 
As I drew my breath for a higher climb 
And a higher flight. 

'T was a moment then 
Like that in the tide of battle, when 
Tlic ranks reserved and the liopc forlorn 
Unto tlic front, en masse, are borne, 
For the shout and charge to victory, 
(Or tlie fatal rout and sore dismay). 

My hope forlorn was a passage where 
My happiest thoughts for many a year 
Had found a place — all jewels ; yet, 
In golden frame of logic set, 
With ligure, troj^e, and metaphor. 
So thickly it could hold no more, — 
So loud embellished, so ornate, 
So brilliant and so delicate. 
So classic, rich, and so profuse 
Of colors gay and rare of use, — 
So full of all things excellent 
That youth and wisdom could invent, 
That on this passage — I could stake 
My fortune on it — I would make 



24 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

Such stir tremendous that the shocks 
Should move those adamantine rocks 
That sat within the jury-box. 

I went, 
As rocket to the air is sent, 
With trail of fire and flasliing shot 
And meteoric showers hot, 
Till at the summit of ascent, 
When all the blazing train is spent, 
One grand explosion sounds, and quick 
The would-be comet ftills — a stick. 

So I went up, and so came down. 
For where tliose blanks, of sucli renown 
For thoughts extempore, were set. 
In highest flight I did forget 
What next should come. 'And what a fall 
Was there, my countrymen,' when all 
My well-constructed phrase to serve 
For splendid parabolic curve. 
Broke at the middle, and midway 
I tumbled ! 

Ask it not, I pray : 
I did not look ; I would not hear ; 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 23 

I only know that sometliing queer 
Ran over me, and then ran throngh 
And back again, till all 1 knew 
Was something sounding like encores, 
And something seeming on all-fours, 
Which was myself. 

I rallied sore. 
That time I made no pause ; and more, 
I made no other pause, but read 
As when young urchin, whipped to bed. 
Says o'er his prayers defiant ; thus 
I rattled on, like omnibus 
Affrighted on the homeward drive, 
Naught caring, but to come alive 
To safe retreat. 

The tumult ceased — 
All save my own, which I increased, 
To win, at least, the full consent 
That all my thunder was not spent. 

Then period after period rolled, 
Like sound-waves, when the bell is tolled — 
One alternating: rise and fall 



2(3 TFIE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

Continuous, till on them all 
Some wondrous charm had seized. 

I knew 
The stillness tliat around me grew 
Was gathering proof of growing power, 
That yet might tell, ere that half hour 
Was sped, of fortunes well repaired. 

And now, as the end drew on, I dared 
With voice more hush, to hold the spell, 
And save what I had earned so well — 
To lift my eyes, and see the fall 
Of that most finished stroke of all, 

And finishing 

' Now all the air 
A solemn stillness held, save where 
The beetle wheeled his droning flight, 
And drowsy breathings lulled to quiet 
The peaceful fold.' 

One glance below : 
There sat a grave, unconscious row 
Of seven sleepers, and, behind, 
Another row, as much resigned 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 27 

As that before. And Mrs. McKey ! — 
Such silent speaking ecstacy, 
Such open countenance she bare, 
That, but for truth, I would declare 
'Twas nothing but a mouth, and round, 
A bonnet for a border. Bound 
In dreamland rapture, too, was he 
Who shared that new-born prophecy 
Of bliss domestic. But I saw. 
What made my spirit freeze and thaw, 
Between them, such a wicked light 
From those two orbs of liquid night — 

wreck of fortune ! Worst of all — 

1 broke, and lost my grand finale. 

The rest — pray tell it — such a stir, 
As when some loud, night-wan d'ring cur 
Barks at the sheepfold, and the flock 
Spring up, as lifted by the shock 
Of blast or battery ; so did these 
My hearers spring and snuff the breeze, 
When I ceased barkino;. 



28 THE CANDID ATI NG FAIR. 

" Please retire," 
Said Cerberus; "it will require 
But briefest conference of the court 
To make our judgment, an.d report 
Your measure." 

Willing I withdrew. 
In that portentous waiting, new 
And curious notices appeared, 
And record-books, well thumbed and eared." 
■ " This notice to the candidate. 
Our marking thus doth indicate 
Your rank and promise. Number ' ten ' 
Means perfect ; and the scale does then 
Run downward unto number ' four.' 
Of lesser rank we make no score." 

" To Disappointed Candidate, 
This notice " — most compassionate, 
Most gracious hung — " Keep heart, good sir ; 
Our pledge of honor we confer 
To hold in sympathizing care 
Your rank and reputation fair 
And privately." 

But, for myself, 
Some doubtful proof stood on the shelf: 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 29 

" Dismissals," " Calls," " Retirements," 

" Clerk's Records Annual, Contents 

For Office of Intelligence," 

" Trial Exchanges," " Index," whence 

Name, place, age, circumstance, and worth, 

Minute as farriers note the birth 

And pedigree and blood and parts 

Of horses for the sporting marts. 

I saw ; but, ere I could invest 
A minute cheap in sinful quest 
Of fellow-fates and fortunes, Clerk 
Cerberus, yelping, witii a jerk 
Of would-be gracious utterance. 
And smirk of suavity askance, 
Tossed up my card, with : " There you have 
Our judgment well pronounced." 

I gave 
A parting look, and nothing more. 
Upon the sign-board of the door, 
And read again the inviting part : 
" Wanted : — a Pastor, young and smart " ; 



30 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

Then to that card, on wliich I bare 
My fortune and my life's one care : 

" Youngness, ten ; smartness, four ; 

Average, seven : nothing more. 
On this one virtue all agree, — 

Incomprehensibility." 



PART II. 

" Yes ; that's the word ; I see ; I see 
' Incomprehensibility.' " 

" 'Tis never too late to mend," said I 
'Tis never a failure that leaves a try ; 
'Tis never a loss that makes us wise, 
And never a miss that wins the prize, 
ril take me down a grade, and then, 
In simpler speech, I'm sure to win." 

So from that central Gothic pile 
I flung myself, in much the style 
Of ostrich, climbing from the chase, 
On wing and leg, at flying pace ; 
Lest in the wind some forward scent 
Of reputation should prevent 
And prejudice my coming where 
More favored trial should repair 
My ragged name and fortune. 

31 



32 THE CANDIDATLNG FAIR. 

Tims 
I made my haste precipitous, 
Till in the crowd again I wedged, 
That all the sideway blocked and hedged 
And, with much leisure to o'erhear, 
I could narrate some strangely queer 
And novel scenes. 

Close on the walk, 
A double row, in double talk 
Contentious, did so mass in front 
I thought it a church militant, 
And turned, inquiring either way 
For police to attend the fray. 

Such loud protest and loud reply. 
As geese at wat'ring-place will cry. 
When hostile flocks dispute the right 
With beak and wing, till, in the fight. 
Each gander, mother, and baby goose 
Doth set such earnest gabble loose 
That nought is heard but baljcl-sound, 
And nought but feathers strew the ground. 

So strove with beak and wing the saints 
Each unto each, in loud complaints, 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 33 

With zeal of anserine debate, 
Did argue for his candidate. 

Ten men against ten men were set ; 
Ten women 'gainst ten women met ; 
Twice ten young boys and girls oppose, 
On either side in party rows ; 
And ten times ten of every age, 
Both saints and sinners, did engage 
In circle round the war within. 
To prove his candidate sliould win. 

" Your man's too young ! " " And yours too old ' " 
" Yours is too meek ! " " And yours too bold ! " 
" Yours is too green ! " " And jours too dry ! " 
" Yours cannot light ! " " Nor yours fly ! " 
" Yours too abstruse ! " " And yours too plain ! " 
" Yours too unpolished ' " " Yours too vain ! " 
" Yours is too short ! " " And yours too tall ! " 
" Yours is a boor ! " " And yours a doll ! " 
" Yours only reads ! " " And yours rants ! " 
" Yours deals in chips ! " " And yours in cants ! " 
" Your man's too dear ! " " And yours too cheap ! " 
"Yours cannot draw!" "Nor yours keep!" 
" Yours cannot sing ! " '■ Nor yours pray " 



34 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

" If y' have that man, I'll stay away ! " 
" If y' have your man, I'll nevei" pay ! " 

'Twas a galvanic-battery, 
That one retort — "I'll never pay." 

But more of this I could not hear ; 
For heart was tired, and time too dear 
To enjoy fraternal bedlam. 

On, 
Through strife and din like Marathon, 
I passed, intent on sign-boards, till 
Again arrested by a bill 
Of wants more multiplied than those 
I first beheld. My eyes arose 
Once, twice, and higher, till they met 
The gable — 'twas a sign-board yet! 
Then lat'rally another scan ; 
Then 'long the side my vision ran 
Three hundred cubits. Then I knew 
What ark-itecture held my view ; 
And what an enterprise was that 
That stole the pride of Ararat ! 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 35 

High-stationed on the outer stair, 
Hard-by the door and sign-board there, — 
Which one did separate suspend 
Upon a swivel at the end, — 
Sat one whose tribute I would give. 
Had I but one last hour to live ; 
For in that genial, upturned face 
I saw the first few lines of grace 
xVnd sympathy. A dog was he — 
A genuine dog, with history — 
Sad tell-tale photographing there 
Of many a candidate's despair — 
Writ over all his countenance. 

He knew my errand at a glance, 
And looked a hearty welcoming ; 
Then shook the most convenient thing 
That he could shake ; then looked demure. 
In language I could read full sure : 
" Such, such is friendship ; all in vain ! 
In one half hour we part again." 
Then, with a most expressive whine, 
He drew my notice to the sign, — 
So well had long experience made 



36 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

The very brute to serve his trade 
Most gallantly. 

Without a word, 
We read the advertising board — 
Tiie dog and I. 

There was a full 
Fac simile and literal 
Repeating of the fourteen lines 
Which foremost stood on all the signs. 
"Wanted: — A Pastor, young and smart, 

Wise of head and strong of heart. 

He must be staunchly orthodox. 

Well reputed of all his flocks: 

He must be grave and genial too, 

Ready in word and ready to do. 

He must be perfect — without a flaw 

In pulpit power, and able to draw, 

Able to hold and make secure 

Our rank and our investiture. 

Independent without offense ; 

Brave in the truth (at his own expense) ; 

Largely furnished in every way. 

Conservative, also up with the day. 

Then, with a turn original, 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 37 

This variation practical 
Did bring relief. 

" We shall require — 

What all true pastors will desire — 

The complement of services 

Which venerable custom gives, — 

Two sermons written, first of all, 

With sixty minutes' interval, 

In which the pastor shall address 

The Sabbath-school and Bihle-chiss. 

(Until the choir shall be agreed. 

The preacher will have frequent need 

To lead the singing.) Then a third 

And evening sermon will be heard, 

Which, for relief and varied style, 

Were best extempore, to beguile 

Our weariness. 

For sake of rest 

To pastor, Monday will be best 

For entertaining visitors. 

On Tuesday he will out of doors, 

And do his calls so dihgent 

That none be left to make complaint. 

On Wednesday night, the sociable 



38 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

Will of his tact at pleasing all 

Give fullest proof. On Thursday night, 

Prayer-meeting, and no fires to light. 

Friday and Saturday 'twere wise 

To give to study, and sermonize. 

If he shouldn't be married, it's just as well ; 
And we'd like to board him round a sjiell." 

This final clause, as did behoove, 
Staid mo a moment, when a move 
Impatient of the faithful hound 
Showed him fast reading, further down, 
Where his official paw did rest 
On that one place he knew the best, 
Which tluis did run: '•^ Five hundred cash! 
And various donations ! " 

" Trash ! " 
I said, and passed the outer door, 
Which was the inner also. 

Four 
And twenty heads appeared in all, 
And scattered to the further wall, 
With equal space of interval, 
Both up and down and lateral. 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 39 

" Simplicity — simplicity. 
'T was there I failed," I said to me, 
As one, the foremost head, arose, 
And motioned upwards, I suppose 
Some fifteen cubits. 

Up tlie flight, 
Or ladder-way, I climbed a licight 
That, looking downward, I had said. 
Was sure a view from some mast-head 
To vessel deck. I peeped about. 
Like a lone barn-swallow, peering out 
From rafter-nest, when, on the floor 
Or cross-beam stationed, twenty-four 
Most gracious cats delay a nap 
To feast their maws on some mishap. 

" Please lead with a familiar hymn," 
A billet said. I sang with a vim : 

" Mid scenes of confusion and creature com- 
plaints, 

How dreary the cold criticism of saints. 

The few lurid moments tliat darken us here 

Are enough of life's woes ; full enough of its 
cheer." 



40 TEE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

" And now for the sermon that shonld secure 
That commendation I lost before." 

I drew the plainest of all my stock — 
Food laid so low that the least of the flock 
Could reach it easy ; and then, I knew 
The taller sheep would admire it too. 

Now, whether it was my wondrous power, 
Or the hearers had taken their sleep before 
With other candidate, 'twas clear. 
That time, I surely had their ear ; 
And, what was more, I had their eyes, 
Which poured a flattering surprise 
On me, as I did pour such plain. 
Fresh-water speech, like summer rain ; 
While they their thirsty chalices 
Held up in wond'ring gratefulness 
And suppliant rapture. Not a stir 
Impatient ; not one least demur 
Of judgment ; but each captive look 
Did hold an offering which I took 
For such full-tide assurance, then. 
Of victory, that I know not when 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 41 

Did champion of Olympic game, 
Did orator of any name, — 
Of pulpit, rostrum, court, or bar, 
Bear his vainglorious hope so far 
As mine was borne. 

Ere I could reach 
Tlie pulpit-landing, tliey had each — 
Those four and tweuty lovers made — 
Formed in a line of close parade. 
Then forward all in order pressed, 
And each my flaming hope addressed. 

The ' elder,' first, a long-retired 
Sage potentate, was thus inspired : 
" Young-man, -I-would-congratulate 
Your-first-endeavor. You-will-rate, 
When-years-have-added-depth-to-grace, 
No-mean-incumbent-of-your-place." 

Next ' deacon,' senior, thus to me : 
" I like your young simplicity." 

Next ' deacon,' junior : " I admire 
The promise of your youthful fire." 

Then mothers, wives, and misses bow : 



42 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

" Our compliments you'll please allow." 

Then boys and girls brouglit up the rear, 
And each did scratch my itching ear 
So gen'rously. Just twenty-four 
Lean compliments ; and nothing more. 

A moment, on the outer stair, 
I gave to honest friendship there, 
With this adieu : " My canine friend, 
Be faithful : soon your task will end. 
And when this dying church is dead, 
Set up that sign-board at the head. 
To mark its tomb, and history, 
And fatal cause. Then come to me, 
And, for your kindness, I engage 
Your end shall be in good old age." 

He gave his paw, and 1 my hand ; 
The pledge ho seemed to understand. 
And turned the Ijoard; while I Vv^rote down: 
'••One soul humane in all the toion." 

Some spirits seemed to rule the place ; 
For there was painful stint of grace 



TEE CAXDTDATING FAIR. 43 

111 all the weather of my mood. 
And thoughts unholy, in a hrood 
Of muffled curses, that seemed bent 
To pass my clenched teetli, and vent 
Short prayers in hottest scripture phrase 
Of Sodom and Gomorrah's blaze, 
I did suppress ; but not my pace ; 
For I had mind to flee that place, 
Without a backward look, or halt, 
As I had feared the pillar of salt. 

But, near the outward-going gate, 
I was arrested ; for my rate 
Of movement did betoken much 
Of business errand ; and 'twas such 
He thought it, whose exclaim broke higher 
Than pulpit rant, or party crier : 

" This way., sir I This loay you loill find 
Signs ready-made io meet your mind, 
Or made to order.'''' 

" Sign ? A sign ? " 
(I doubt if all were quite divine 
That moved me then). "I will," said I, 



44 THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 

" One mammoth sign-board, broad and liigli, 
If such jou have — The Pastor's Call." 

" Your order, then, sir ; for, of all 
Demands yet made upon my store. 
Such sign was never sought before." 

" To order, then ; and paint it thus ; 
And hang it most conspicuous. 

" "Wanted a Church, — in a beautiful place ; 

Full of delights, and abounding in grace ; 

Full of benevolence, generous, kind ; 

Lofty of purpose, and all of a mind ; 

Ready in sympathy ; ready to take 

Liberal share of the burdens they make ; 

Ready to render a large repay 

For all the favors that drift that way. 
" They shouhl never be petulant, 

Spurning the gifts that the Lord has sent. 

They should be competent, every one, 

To examine the preacher all alone ; 

To give their opinion critical. 

With nothing of notions trivial. 

And nothing of need to think or guess 

What estimate the world may pass. 

And when their pastor has served them well, 



THE CANDWATING FAIR. 45 

And the devil desires to change, a spell, 
And shows them how, with the bait of gold, . 
They may lure the pride of another fold ; 
And the pastor shifts and shifts about, 
And a man comes in, and a man goes out. 
And a courtincp, fiirtin<T, iiltin<x erame 
Is bringing the Lord's dear cause to shame, 
Then they should pray, and the prayer repeat : 
Save us, Lord, from our vain conceit." 



PART III. 

Every spire was hidden, quite, 
Under the raven wings of night ; 
The bells had lost their clanging tone. 
And nought pursued but a feeble moan, — 
A fit refrain for a weary heart, 
As I fled a league from that pulpit mart, 
And cared not whither or where I came, 
If I could only forget my name, 
And never could see, wherever I went, 
A vacant church or a vacant saint. 

The softened gleam of a village light 
Over the hill came beaming bright — 
Beaming bright as a silver thread ; 
And it seemed as if an angel sped 
Over the thread, — over the way, — 
Over the course of the silver ray, — 

46 



THE CANDIDATING FAIR. 47 

And beckoned me on, as he went before, 
Till I stood by a humble chapel-door. 

Music soft as heaven's bells, 
Into my sad spirit pouring, 

All my heavy care dispels. 
Oil of gladness ! saints adoring — 

Holy notes, according voices 

Bless my ear ; my heaven rejoices. 

I could have stolen a listening there. 
Tiring never of song or prayer ; 
Only the prayer had a burden, then. 
That had stolen my heart, and lured me in. 
. " Send us, dear Lord, in thy favoring hour, 

One who shall come in the Spirit's own power. 

Send whom thou wilt, with a shepherd's heart ; 

Seal him to us, that he may not depart. 

Make thou the marriage of holiest bans ; 

Thine be the fruit and the glory, not man's. 

Guide us, great Shepherd, nor leave us alone ; 

Thy will, not our will, forever be done." 



48 THE CANDWATING FAIR. 

''''Thy will, not my will," my soul did respond 
''''Here am I; send me; and seal thou the bond. 

Whether awake, or whether I dreamed ; 
Whether 'twas real, or only seemed ; 
Whether the place was earth or heaven, 
I remember the joy of the welcome given. 



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